Go Your Own Way

Where are the #@*%$ pickles!!!Politics and religion, the old saying goes you never discuss these two subjects among “friends”. Friends use to be the people you work with; you worshipped with, your neighbors, extended family members. Now, thanks to social media, our “friends” have extended way beyond what were normal years ago.

Most of us have people who we follow or follow us that we really have no real connection with. Maybe they are former co-workers, former classmates, friends of friends, and even distant family members. Whoever they are, they are people we have no interaction with. For the most part we don’t value their opinions or their feelings on subjects that may be important to us.

Gone are the days when we would sit across from someone, face to face, and have a serious, maybe even a valuable conversation about world events or our own personal belief system. We could smile at each other after this “deep” conversation and agree to disagree.

Now if someone has a different opinion or outlook than you, you are given labels. You are uneducated, uninformed, you have blinders on, you are drinking the Kool-Aid, you are stupid, you are hell bound, Jesus doesn’t love you, you are un-American, you are pond scum, you are the problem, you are a fucktard!!

I do not care if you call yourself Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Wiccan, Atheist, Mormon, Scientologist, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, Left Wing, Right Wing, or Chicken Wing. Whoever you are or whatever you call yourself, you do not own the path to justice, truth, fairness, or respectability. There is nothing that you can post or say on social media that is going to change anyone else’s thought processes.

I don’t mind someone throwing out a thought or reposting an article with a “consider this” type of attitude. There is a fine line between sharing information and shoving it down my throat.

I don’t know where we are headed as a country. But what I do know is that if Donald J Trump is elected we are not going to hell in a handbasket. Neither will we if Hillary Clinton is elected. It amazes me that everyone gets all wound up about the Presidential election, but no one turns out for school board elections, city council elections, state senators or congressmen. These elections matter too, sometimes more so than a Presidential election.

Why do we keep sending the same senators and congress people to Washington? Why do the same old “good ol’ boys” keep running our cities, counties, and states? That’s where the revolution needs to start. The President of the United States enacts no laws, until it ends up on his desk.

What is getting me aggravated these days is the presumption of “friends” to tell me that voting for who I want to vote for is actually a vote for Donald Trump. I will probably do one of three things this election. I will either vote Green, Libertarian, or Independent. I don’t need a lecture. I don’t need to be informed or educated. If you think your pick has all the answers, just know that you are mistaken.

In last night’s slumber……

fcb81aacbd6d8f2e842115ba367642e8What odd dreams I’ve been having. Last time it was birds, bird’s nests, and hatchlings in a house. Last night it was something else rather odd. I’m sure it means something, but what.

Last night as I slept, I was at first outside in a grove of trees and at other times in a building. Sometimes this building seemed to be my mother’s house. At other times it seemed to be a rather large house that was filled with boxes and things. When I wasn’t there, I was in a grove or an orchard filled with trees at times and with shrubs at other times.

I was gathering the fruit from the trees. There was a man in the distance. He seemed to be in charge of the trees. In my mind he was a horticulturist. As I gathered the fruit he moved just beyond my field of vision.

I had a basket in which I was placing the fruit. The fruit was actually a nut. The nut was about the size of a small apple. It was shaped somewhat like a walnut. But it was very large. As I gathered the nuts, I would occasionally crack one open. They were easy to open, much like a walnut is. When I opened them each piece of the walnut like nut it was large, to match the small apple size of the whole nut fruit. But each piece of the nut was not back to back as usual. But faced each other in the shell.

But occasionally when I opened one of the nuts I found a surprise. It was a walnut AND a pecan. I would rush to try to catch the man, the manager of the trees, but he was always just a little too far ahead of me for me to catch. I laid these special nuts aside to show him when I could.

At last I round a bunch of trees and found the man asleep on a very nice couch that sat beneath the branches.

What a weird one!

$_35I go days, weeks, and sometimes months without remembering any dreams that I might have. And then, WHAM! I’ve gone to sleep and find myself in bizzaro land!

I think your dreams is your subconscious trying to tell you something. Maybe warn you or steer you in the right direction. Sometimes, maybe it’s just stress that has built up over time and it spills over and is released in your dreams.

I once had a dream about an elephant in a parking lot that only I could see. The meaning of that is pretty obvious. We’ve all heard the expression “The elephant in the room.” I was able to figure that one out because of some changes I was going through in my basic belief system.

Last night I dreamed I was standing in some sort of line with my coworkers. There was a Ficus tree with a Cardinal’s nest in it. The bird was sitting on an egg. I could even see her little butt cheeks spread out over the egg. We all pointed at and admired the bird sitting on the egg. Later with my coworkers and now also some family members, there were two baby chicks that had hatched from the eggs.

In my dream the Cardinal was a regular sized bird. Just the size you would see in your backyard. But when the chicks hatched they were about two feet tall, tan with darker spots and very fluffy and vocal. I walked over and picked up one of the chirping chicks and it immediately became a shriveled up, gooey mess in my hand and died. Before I could stop myself I picked up the other chick and the same thing happened.

Hmmmm……..I’m not sure what that means. But it doesn’t sound good.

and I’m okay with that.

7b514a8fcf19a2e36ec72620e636c4f3I use to be nice. I use to be sweet. I use to make excuses for people. I use to see only the positive. Then after a little life experience, I took off my rose colored glasses, looked at the world, and became a bitch.

I think most of my real, truly life changing conversion happened after I turned 50. Maybe that’s just part of growing old. Your tolerance for unadulterated bullshit drops to a level where you just aren’t going to stand it any more.

I use to make excuses for others – now I let them speak for themselves.

I use to ignore the ugly, and play up the pretty – now I let ugly just be ugly.

I use to reach out to help without being asked – now I worry only about myself and my family. I have to live with my choices, so does everyone else.

I use to be the peacemaker – now I will bring the war right into your living room and take no prisoners and call no truce.

Once you realize you’ve been betrayed, it’s easy to wipe entire groups out of your life without a second thought. It’s really quite liberating not to feel the need to explain yourself. Just simply sit and be quiet and wait for the disorderly, loud mouthed crowd to pass you by and move on to their next dispute.

Keeping quiet is the hard part. I guess we all want understanding. That’s why we feel the need for discussion, endless discussion with everyone shouting about their “feelings”. I’ve finally reached the age where I don’t really care about anyone’s feelings and will try to keep mine to myself as well.

Occasionally I feel that nice, sweet, girl trying to rise up out of me and make excuses for someone. But I punch her in the face and the bitch wins again.

I’m a nice, mind my own business, kind of bitch.

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One more day…………

I feel

  • Forgotten0a010fa6836e7ce4091578e5c6bc4a47
  • Sad
  • Unimportant
  • Melancholy
  • Lost
  • Lonely
  • Unimportant
  • Bereaved
  • Invisible
  • Cast aside
  • Used
  • Small
  • Discarded
  • Hurt

I’m beginning to feel –

  • Angry
  • Vengeful
  • Frustrated
  • Anxious
  • Offended
  • Resentful
  • Indignant
  • Contentious
  • Cold
  • Outraged
  • Unforgiving
  • Distant
  • Indifferent
  • Hostile
  • Unsympathetic

Witnessing a Memory

At work we have several volunteers that help us in the office. This week we had someone on vacation so we used volunteers to sit at her desk and answer phone calls. All of these sweethearts are happy to help and I love having them in the office. It breaks up the monotony of the day to day work week. I find myself drawn to these golden agers.

This afternoon we had an 80 plus year old helping. She had walked into my office and spotted my computer wall paper. “Oh what a beautiful bird. That picture is just lovely!!” She said all of this with her trace of New York accent. She has lived here for years, but the accent lingers.

The picture was a bird sitting on a apple tree branch. The tree was blossoming. She just stood there for a moment really taking in the photo and really appreciating the beauty captured.

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Then she closed her eyes, smiled, and tilted her head back. The sun was shining though my floor to ceiling window and fell across her 80ish year old face and she began to recall:

“When I was a very young girl in New York my father would take us out into the country. It was out along an old dirt lane, that just rolled on. It curved and went up and down. We passed old fences that were falling down along the side of the rode. Then we would round the bend and there it was!” She opened her eyes and looked at me and said “The most beautiful apple orchard. Just rows and rows and rows. They seemed to go on forever. My father would ask the farmer, May we come in? The farmer would open the gate and let us in. My father allowed no running and screaming. There was no fooling around.”

She closed her eyes again and said, “When I close my eyes it all comes back to me. The beautiful canopy of flowers. Just a sea of beautiful pinkish white blooms. The chartreuse leaves, the golden sun spilling down through the branches. AND THE SMELL! Very pungent, but lovely.”

“We would walk quietly among the trees. A gentle breeze would come and the petals from the trees would fall like snow. It really was something. But you only had a short time to catch it. Some years we would ask, Can we go to the apple orchard? and my father would say, It’s too late. At the time I never realized how that memory would stay with me.”

She’s talked to me about her father before. He was a very hard working man that provided for his family. But there didn’t seem a lot of affection from him towards her or her sister. But the apple orchard was special to him and he passed that on to her.

Before she left my office, I told her “How wonderful that your father shared that with you!”

Sometimes it hurts

eAt my age I’ve learned some of life’s hard lessons. But I’m still learning and I’ve got the scars currently healing on my heart to prove it. Life would be a lot easier if I could just turn off the rest of the world and lock myself away here on this hill in the middle of nowhere. If it was just me and Doug forever and ever, I think I could be content with that.

But alas, there are other relationships in my life. Sometimes they are difficult to navigate no matter how long you have been doing it. I cry over relationships that seem to be fizzling out. I wish I could fix them. But I can reach out only so many times. Silence and indifference speaks volumes. I won’t beg. I won’t force my way in.

I’m not perfect. I know that. There are things I wish I could change. But you can’t turn back time. Although imperfect, I think I do make an effort. I do tend to sometimes read to much into things. One thing that I have found is that usually these things tend to work themselves out.

Our intimacy ebbs and flows over the years. I sometimes think of relationship like rivers running across the country. Raging rapids followed by calm streams. Intense busyness followed by quiet stillness. Or the ocean. Raging, dark waves followed by calm, glassy seas.

We are each occupied with our day to day life. So I try to chalk it up to that. But it still makes me sad.

Quit chasing unicorns and grow up!

ab9c8e67240d74db1d78dc2c35cda021We’ve all heard and probably even said “If I knew then what I know now………” Sure, we can all look back and see things that we would do differently. If you’re like me, you probably even can recall someone telling you from their own experience that you shouldn’t do this or that at the time you were considering doing this or that. But like all the inexperienced before us and all of those who come afterwards, we have to learn from our own mistakes.

Which brings me to something that has been on my mind for a while now. What do you do when you see someone making life choices that you consider poor? Well, I’m keeping my mouth shut. Especially since I wasn’t asked for an opinion or any advice.

But it is hard. Particularly when someone has already made some less than stellar choices. But they are their choices. Nevertheless, it is hard to sit back and watch someone start down a road that probably has nothing but rough patches and heartache. Of course, I really don’t know how it will all turn out. But I do have my own lifetime of experiences to draw on. I may not have faced the same choices, but I did have similar choices or witnessed others making similar choices.

I guess working through failures is just part of being human. Maybe you have to really live with a mistake to learn from it. But I do question the intelligence of someone who keeps making the wrong life choices over and over and over. Then crying and wondering “Why this always happens to me?”

I guess you just have to sit and wait patiently for their maturity level to reach the point where they realize that they made the choice. No one forced them. I’ve come up with a short list of things I have learned. They may seem vague, but I believe they are important.

  1. I am in charge of me. That includes all of my actions and all of my feelings
  2. I can depend on myself.
  3. Regardless of how it affects others I will do what is best for me.
  4. I take ownership of my choices. The good ones and the bad ones.
  5. Life is not fair. It will never be fair.
  6. You cannot let your now influence your choices for the future.
  7. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.
  8. Assume nothing. If you need to know for sure, ASK!!
  9. Don’t live in a fantasy world. You have to wake up at some point and it ain’t going to be pretty in 20 years, 10 years, 5 years, or maybe even the day after tomorrow. So you might as well face the facts.
  10. It really is darkest right before the dawn.

My 2016 List

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  1. I will wear more lipstick
  2. I will insist on road trips and vacations
  3. I will spend less time on the computer
  4. I will be the best employee that I can be
  5. I will spend more time with friends and family
  6. I will began a real research of my roots
  7. I will visit cemeteries
  8. I will redecorate my office
  9. I will drink more water and get more sleep
  10. I will relax
  11. I will be weird and not worry about it
  12. I will be kind
  13. I will eat less bread regardless of how much butter is available.
  14. I will let people know that I appreciate them
  15. I will give myself spa days
  16. I will be more positive
  17. I will cook more
  18. I will purge negative people from my life
  19. I will restock my wine fridge
  20. I will climb back on the Weight Watchers Wagon
  21. I will buy an Echo from Amazon
  22. I will blog more
  23. I will buy note cards and use them.
  24. I will get all those routine medical things done
  25. I will exercise

 

“May your coming year be filled with magic & dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to makes some art – write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself”. – Neil Gaiman

Don’t judge me!

Don’t judge me by my red cup. I have seen the same internet meme many times after the so called Red Cup “controversy”.  I use quotation marks because I only saw the backlash against the so called controversy. I’m well aware that one man posted a video about Starbucks lack of “Christmas” icons on their cups. I’m also aware that that particular idiotic video went viral. (And may I say “Thank you internet!!” for giving this idiot a platform. ) But what I never saw was a general “uprising” against Starbucks and their plain red cup.

But what I am seeing is this:

starbucks

 

Every time I see this, it really pisses me off. It comes across as very judgmental to me.  Like I shouldn’t be spending my money the way that I want. Or maybe it’s saying that I’m stupid because I stop at Starbucks for a cup of coffee.

I looked this morning when I stopped for my “$7.00” cup of coffee and even asked the barista and the most expensive cup of coffee on their menu today is $5.95 and that’s for their seasonal drinks. So first of all stop exaggerating!

My normal cup of Starbucks is $3.65. I don’t get one every day, but at least two – three times a week I do. But If I wanted to get a cup of Starbucks coffee every single day of the week and each one cost $15.00 a cup, that is no one’s business but mine.

You don’t know what my giving record is. You don’t know what I give to charities! You don’t know what I’ve done for my friends, relatives, acquaintances, or community! So shut the hell up and mind your own freaking business!

I’ve worked my entire life and if I want to splurge on coffee or anything else, it’s no one’s business but my own.  Maybe I need to come to your house and go through your cabinets, pantry, and refrigerator and pass judgement on what you’re putting into your body. Maybe I need to take a look at your finances and see where your money is going.

So go back to your trolling and leave me the hell alone.

thank you