Feelings

Life is short. Each day that rolls by rolls by faster than the day before. I’ve learned to not dwell on the negative. I would much rather be happy than anything else. People will always disappoint you at some point, the lesson is not to take it personally. Life is full of good things, very good things. They don’t have to be big things. They only have to be things that make you smile.

30 Things That Make Me Happy

1. A text from my husband
2. My mother’s smile
3. Hearing someone say “Hello Aunt Kathy!”
4. A hug (from most anyone)
5. Making eye contact
6. Listening to someone’s life story
7. A telephone call for no particular reason
8. Snail mail
9. My donkeys braying (this makes me laugh out loud)
10. Sitting on the floor with a toddler
11. My dog running to the gate to greet me
12. An afternoon spin with my husband in our Bad Boy along the trails he’s made.
13. Sharing Arbonne
14. Meeting new people
15. Seeing someone using a crochet project that I made for them
16. Mailing a gift
17. Movies with talking animals
18. Discussing family with my sister
19. Thank you cards
20. A big Sunday Breakfast
21. Pie
22. Family get togethers
23. A new recipe
24. Learning that a baby is coming
25. A manicure
26. New shoes
27. Healthy eating
28. Loud music
29. Licking my fingers
30. Walking

I go days, weeks, and sometimes months without remembering any dreams that I might have. And then, WHAM! I’ve gone to sleep and find myself in bizzaro land!

I think your dreams is your subconscious trying to tell you something. Maybe warn you or steer you in the right direction. Sometimes, maybe it’s just stress that has built up over time and it spills over and is released in your dreams.

I once had a dream about an elephant in a parking lot that only I could see. The meaning of that is pretty obvious. We’ve all heard the expression “The elephant in the room.” I was able to figure that one out because of some changes I was going through in my basic belief system.

Last night I dreamed I was standing in some sort of line with my coworkers. There was a Ficus tree with a Cardinal’s nest in it. The bird was sitting on an egg. I could even see her little butt cheeks spread out over the egg. We all pointed at and admired the bird sitting on the egg. Later with my coworkers and now also some family members, there were two baby chicks that had hatched from the eggs.

In my dream the Cardinal was a regular sized bird. Just the size you would see in your backyard. But when the chicks hatched they were about two feet tall, tan with darker spots and very fluffy and vocal. I walked over and picked up one of the chirping chicks and it immediately became a shriveled up, gooey mess in my hand and died. Before I could stop myself I picked up the other chick and the same thing happened.

Hmmmm……..I’m not sure what that means. But it doesn’t sound good.

I feel

• Forgotten
• Sad
• Unimportant
• Melancholy
• Lost
• Lonely
• Unimportant
• Bereaved
• Invisible
• Cast aside
• Used
• Small
• Discarded
• Hurt

I’m beginning to feel –

• Angry
• Vengeful
• Frustrated
• Anxious
• Offended
• Resentful
• Indignant
• Contentious
• Cold
• Outraged
• Unforgiving
• Distant
• Indifferent
• Hostile
• Unsympathetic

At my age I’ve learned some of life’s hard lessons. But I’m still learning and I’ve got the scars currently healing on my heart to prove it. Life would be a lot easier if I could just turn off the rest of the world and lock myself away here on this hill in the middle of nowhere. If it was just me and Doug forever and ever, I think I could be content with that.

But alas, there are other relationships in my life. Sometimes they are difficult to navigate no matter how long you have been doing it. I cry over relationships that seem to be fizzling out. I wish I could fix them. But I can reach out only so many times. Silence and indifference speaks volumes. I won’t beg. I won’t force my way in.

I’m not perfect. I know that. There are things I wish I could change. But you can’t turn back time. Although imperfect, I think I do make an effort. I do tend to sometimes read to much into things. One thing that I have found is that usually these things tend to work themselves out.

Our intimacy ebbs and flows over the years. I sometimes think of relationship like rivers running across the country. Raging rapids followed by calm streams. Intense busyness followed by quiet stillness. Or the ocean. Raging, dark waves followed by calm, glassy seas.

We are each occupied with our day to day life. So I try to chalk it up to that. But it still makes me sad.

I overheard this statement recently, “I hate them with every fiber of my being!”  Goodness, that’s a whole lot of emotion to carry around with you.  Especially considering that its negative emotion.

I promise you that I  can’t think of one person that I have ever felt this away about.  Oh I’ve been angry.  I’ve harbored a grudge from time to time.   I’ve cut off friendships, simply because it was beneficial for everyone involved.  I know sometimes you just can’t get along with someone and its best just to cut ties and be on your way.

But to say you hate someone.  An actual person.  You hate them as a person.  I can even sort of sympathize with detesting a particular kind of conduct, a belief that doesn’t coincide with yours, politics, etc.  After all you don’t have to agree with everyone.

You hear a child say “I hate you!!”  They say that to hurt you and from lack of experience in dealing with emotions that they are feeling.  As you grow older and become better educated about people skills, you learn to express your differences or your unhappiness in another manner.  I think most people are familiar with the term “polite society”.

A lot of senseless “talk” comes from either a lack of education or research.  It also suggest to me that the speaker may be lazy.  After all its much easier to just say you hate someone, rather than have a discussion about what you might disagree with this person about.  You might not like their choices, their lifestyle, their beliefs, or their politics.  But because they may not have sufficient information or verbal skills they resort to the 3 year old in them and say “I hate them!!!”

What gets me is someone that touts them self as a kind, generous, spiritual person.  They are givers not takers.  They are doing the best they can and just wish people would understand that.  They wish that they could “give” more, do more for their fellow man.

But then you hear them callously say “I hate them with every fiber of my being!!”  If we lived in a society with no morals, no human kindness, no meaning, no goodness, maybe just maybe we would live in a world where we could “hate” someone.  But basically I believe we are genuinely people who seek the goodness in others.

“We hate some persons because we do not know them; and will not know them because we hate them.” – Charles Caleb Colton

“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.” – Booker T. Washington