I was raised in the church.  I have been surrounded with Christians my entire life.  I have always believed that God is control.  I have been taught about “free will”, everyone’s choice to make.  I think this is to explain away the bad choices people make.  I have been taught and believed in the virgin birth, the life and the death, resurrection, and the Ascension into heaven of Jesus Christ.  I have been taught and believed in all the miracles in the Bible as Truth.

In the last year I have questioned these basic beliefs taught to me my entire life.  I want to believe them, somewhere deep down inside of me I think I still believe them.  The basic tenets of the Christian Church.  Its “Christians” that have caused me to question my beliefs.  So judgmental, so unforgiving, so rigid.  So much of the Christian church is “Man’s” rule, not God’s.  When it comes down to it, I want to believe in God.  But I’m struggling with it right now.

Lately I have found that sometimes life is just way too sad to even understand.  I understand someone coming through a tragedy with their family intact and giving thanks to God for it.  But what about people that have gone through tragedies and their lives are torn apart, never to be the same again?  Did they not pray enough, did they not live their life exactly right?  Is it because, they’re Catholic and not Baptist, or Baptist and not Church of Christ, or Church of Christ and not Methodist, or Methodist and not Pentecostal?  People say “I am praying for them/you.”  That no longer brings comfort to me.  At times it makes me angry in fact.

I’m feeling very very lost right now.  My heart and my spirit is broken.  Something has happened that my heart and brain can not even process.  Pray for me if you will, but only if it makes you feel better.  As for me I can’t pray, because it doesn’t feel like there is anyone there listening.

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